Reverse
by Spirix
Summary: Something raw, something dark and something laced with hate and hope. Read at you own risk and beware, not all tales have an end.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own that FMA and I sing it in my own way!

* * *

**Reverse**

Sometimes I wonder… if I died, who would miss me? I'm sure that Al and Winry would, but they'd have each other and would eventually move on. They are in love and that's great, but, I feel so left behind. They are already talking about starting a family, but what of our plans? You remember we made plans, didn't you, little brother?

After I got Al's body back, I thought we would see the world together. There is so much in this country that is tarnished by my memories. So much death and corruption is in my past that it burns my soul. I just wanted to see if everywhere else was just as twisted as here. Maybe then I could accept that there really is no place for me in this country and maybe even this world.

What do you do when all your dreams come true?

Now I am even more alone than before, still without a place and even more, without a purpose.

Am I even capable of love now? That homunculus really was my mother yet I killed her just the same. Can a person who kills their family even deserve love? The little voice in my head keeps telling me that she wasn't my mother but I can't let it go. Even if she wasn't, she was a living thing with feelings… I know they don't feel the same way we do but does that deny them the right to live? Trees and birds don't feel like we do but they still deserve the life given to them.

We rape this earth of life because we can. No one ever considered that we don't have the right.

I have no place here, in this world and if I left, no one would miss me, they all have each other. I have no one.

I often wonder what it would be like to be held like I mattered. I can't even remember the last time I felt the warmth of a hug. I miss contact. Maybe that's why I am so depressed. I don't think I have touched another person in months. I used to think it was silly when people said such things as "I can't live without your touch," but now I can believe it.

I don't even have the full capacity to touch. Al got his body back I am still incomplete, not just in body but in soul. I think I left a piece of it beyond the gate. What piece though? My ambition maybe, or possibly my compassion… no I still feel those, just in small amounts. I think I left my ability to feel anything to a satisfactory level except for pain. The pain reminds me I am in fact alive, not drifting from plain to plain.

_"Fullmetal, I need that report in by the end of today. Don't loose track of time."_

All I am good for is research. I love and hate it in the same breath. It feeds my curiosity yet with every book I read, the world gets a little smaller. Soon there won't be any left to discover. Then I really will be useless.

_"Fullmetal, are you listening to me?"_

Useless… there are no more battles to fight and no more corners to clear of cobwebs. What do I do now?

* * *

I dreamt of you again last night.

I have this sick fascination with the back of your head. I guess it's because I can look at it without feeling completely lost.

Somewhere between reality and here, I thought of you. You, who goads me into fits of temper. You, who never actually sees me. You, who had your way with me one drunken night and left, not out of cruelty but shame. How does it feel, Bastard? You took from me the only thing I had left. I didn't even realize I had anything left to give, but then I was never up to par with your cunning.

I don't hate you. How could I? I am an empty shell you tried to fill, and try you did. For a moment I almost felt like there was something more than my monotonous days, then it ended with a pant of my name. How bitter sweet a sound it was. I almost felt human, felt wanted, felt touch.

Then you withdrew, both literally and figuratively. Some sober cord in your mind rang that this is wrong, that you are sick, that this act was a sin. Well then I am a sinner for I lapped it all up like a starving animal.

My life is composed of one sin following another, a requiem of pain and guilt. I am not oblivious to this, but somehow you have convinced yourself that you have tainted me. Don't you see, Mustang? If you could actually taint me, we wouldn't have ended up in a sweaty twisted pile on the floor. I am beyond redemption, so enjoy your free ride. I know I did, my one brief moment of normality.

So go ahead and leave. Go buff that semen spattered halo in attempts to not admit who you are. You are a deviant, like me. Maybe that's why I can't get enough of you.

So go ahead and leave. Go check your appearance in hopes that no one will see what you want to remain hidden. Is that why you wear that eye patch, to hide the tint on you noble white glow?

Maybe my sick fascination is with more than just the back of your head, but I have to admit, it's captivating as it flees. It's what I dream about now, mixed with hollow screams and blood stained floors.

* * *

One night became as countless as the snowflakes falling from the sky. It took you countless weeks to return and even countless more to know what you actually wanted. Do you see it now Mustang? We should keep to one another to save others from our sickness. Infection kills more than sticks or stones. If we stay up here in the north, no one need ever suffer. We are saving them Mustang, saving them from our dark fate.

It's strange. I don't hate our winter exile like I should. I have you to keep me warm and with each passing breath I think I'm falling in love with you. Is that even possible? Because of you, my whole life is one massive tale of corruption and death. If I had never known you, I would be a normal kid, just like the rest, a little tattered, very sad, but a normal kid. A normal kid with a suit of armour shadow would be more accurate.

You paved the way.

So where does that leave us?

I'm not certain of anything anymore. You hold me closer in your sleep and I wonder if we made the right choice. I feel happy with you, and that's wrong. It isn't because of age or sex. No, it's wrong because I don't deserve you.

How is that for ironic? A few months ago I thought you were worthless, now I can't live without you.

* * *

Please let him be alright. I don't know who I'm asking but I can't help but pray. Me, Edward Elric, a man of science but my faith has failed me. My faith in science has cost me everything. Please, who ever can hear my humble prayer. Let me see him.

I run through flames and rubble, jumping over bodies and ducking under fallen beams. I rip off my red coat, the resistance affecting my speed.

I will give you whatever you want. Name your price; just give me back this one thing. I never ask you for anything. Who am I kidding? I ask you for everything.

I'm alone and I run. The pain makes it real. Each breath pulls at my lungs and each foot fall reminds me that I need to keep going. I have to find him. I need to find him. Without him I am no one, nothing, not a damn fucking thing.

Why are you hiding him from me? Haven't I suffered enough? All is lost yet I still stand to loose more.

Maybe those aren't the right questions to ask. How about why did he need to come back? What was so life threatening that he left me to come here? All I see is death around every turn. Even though I keep running, I know I'm too late. I'm too late for him, fuck I'm even too late to save myself. Don't think I don't see the impending wave of fire coming towards me.

I'm always too late to make a difference.

So I ask you this, in truth has Truth ever made a difference?

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**A/N: **I'm not certain what to think of this. It's been a while since I've done something consisting of only 'stream of consciousness' and that wasn't even a fic I posted. Anywho... --goes to get coffee--

-rix the demon


End file.
